Piotr Rajski's Blog

It was quite foggy this morning. Could be a sign of changing seasons. Spring comes to Alberta late, while autumn seems to rush in. In the morning fog, even Ged lost his way a couple of times, chasing the ball. It looked like the fog was finding a way into his and my head. My mind seems to be getting more foggy lately. Now, when the days become so similar to each other. I missed my favorite bridge playing on Internet last Sunday, as Sunday doesn't seem to differ much from the other days. I also forgot to make a milk shake on Saturday morning, which was my custom, when I still worked. These little things were making weekend a special time, comparing to the routines of weekdays. To paraphrase Tevye, from the Fiddler on the Roof, I could say: Sunrise, sunset Sunrise, sunset Swiftly fly the "days" One "day" following another Laden with happiness and tears I am not quite sure if I experience much "happiness and tears." But foggy mind seem...

Friday was a good day. Sunny, plus 27 C. I used this "window of opportunity" (we are troubled by English weather lately) to do a bit of kayaking. My son dropped me in Devon, and, not without certain hesitation, as North Saskatchewan River was rather high, I launched my kayak. It took me a few minutes to relax. The river was in fact faster than usual but at no point I was in any danger. Normally quite busy with kayaks and canoes, the river was empty on that day. I had "her" (Polish word "rzeka" is female) all for myself. This, I guess, would be one of the privileges of retirement - opportunity to kayak on weekdays. It was only after two hours on the river that I encountered a fellow female kayak-er. She was also kayaking alone as her husband, in her words, was a "wuss." Because the river was quite fast, I barely had to do any paddling. I let the river do the job. Being alone, I didn't have to keep up with anybody. I could enjoy the quiet, ...

I was somewhat more awake during my morning meditation. I saw my mind paying attention to signs, mostly discomforts, from my body and staying with the breath for the most part. However, I also observed how it went a few times toward "transmission flush," scheduled for my Murano later today. Why is this expensive, my mind wondered. The flush takes only about 1.5 hours, why it should cost $800? I better do it this month, when I still got my last check from my employer, my mind was telling me, as it could be harder to do later on. These thoughts signal to me that I am concerned about the financial aspects of my (our, with wife) retirement. According to my preliminary calculations, our household income will be roughly reduced by 50%. This will have an impact on our life style, no doubt about it. This 'transmission" from "employment income" to so called "fixed income" will be quite a flush. As countless people before us, we will have no choice bu...

As the heat wave reportedly so troubling Eastern Canada, touched upon Alberta, we finally had a few warm days.  Yesterday was especially a hot day, with likely a high "Humidex." It looked that we'd have a storm in the afternoon, but we had to wait until 9 pm. for the first drops of the rain ("pierwsze krople dżdżu"). But it was a troubled storm, unable to fully discharge itself. So, at 3 in the morning, the storm was still looming around us. All those thunders and lightnings seemed to have made Ged, our dog, unsettled. He made a couple of attempts to join me and Dusia in bed, and when we didn't allow it, became quite agitated. I went downstairs to see if he still got some water, when the dog signaled to me he wanted to go ... outside! He jumped into the rain, chased his Arch-Enemy, a fire log, for a while, and then just lied down. Very soon I saw him sleeping amidst all those thunders and pouring rain. What a brave dog, I thought. There are naturally som...

... is a standard recommendation for meditation from a couple of traditions, such as Christian Contemplative Prayer , Centering Prayer ,  Zen or Maharishi's Transcendental Meditation . I had tried to adhere to this recommendation in the past, when I was in private practice. It was easier for me then to schedule my days. However I abandoned this practice after taking a full time job 12 years ago. So I tried again today. As it looks to be another busy day, my best chance was to do it in the morning. I set my timer for 20 minutes, and I tried to make myself as comfortable on the couch as possible. Due to arthritis, I cannot sit with my legs crossed anymore, but I managed to establish a relatively straight posture. When I finally closed my eyes, I was in a better position to observe my mind. It became impatient right away, trying to draw my attention to external distractions, such as Lady Wife doing her first morning steps in the bedroom upstairs. Then my mind calmed a bit, and I ...

With British weather still persisting in Alberta, though having a few things to do, I started to watch Michał Urbaniak 's clips on YouTube, with the afternoon tea, and ... forgot about everything. I brought myself Urbaniak's last CD - Miles of Blue (Special Edition!) - from my recent trip to Poland. I listen to it in my car whenever I drive. But it seems I can't get enough of his music. It plays on my mind almost all the time, and I often hear it, in my mind, first thing in the morning! Though I knew some of Urbaniak's music when I still lived in Poland, I got more "intimate" with it in 1992 when I took a job in High Level in Northern Alberta. To put things in perspective, High Level is an eight-hour drive North from Edmonton, the capital city of Alberta. The town had about 3.5 thousand of inhabitants at that time. I was the only psychologist in the radius of 300 km. In one of the cheap stores in High Level (only those seemed to prosper there), on a botto...

"Time goes by very quickly," writes one my most favorite inspirators, Thich Nhat Hanh , "one day we may be surprised to discover our life is nearing its end, and we don’t know what we’ve done with all the time we’ve lived. Maybe we’ve wasted entire days in anger, fear, and jealousy. We rarely offer ourselves the time and space to consider: Am I doing what I most want to be doing with my life? Do I even know what that is? The noise in our heads and all around us drowns out the “still, small voice” inside. We are so busy doing “something” that we rarely take a moment to look deeply and check in with our deepest desires." This quote seems to be very relevant to my stage of life. What are my deepest desires? What do I really want? I remember how in 1986, during my "spiritual trip" to India, when I spent a couple of weeks in Haidakhan Babaji's ashrams and felt really close "to the Absolute," there was a desire in me to stay there for the rest...

Having somewhat more of the "retired" time, I caught up with some shows I liked to watch. These were, for instance, the last three episodes of the Game of Thrones - luckily no one, from among my friends or family, told me how the season ended. Also, with Lady Wife, over the last two days we watched five episodes of the HBO series "Chernobyl." It was highly recommended by my cousin, Grzegorz. Though referring to the rather gruesome episode in the history of the humankind, which cost, reportedly, thousands of lives, the series was very interesting to watch. Partially, perhaps, because it was about something we could relate to personally. We still remember waiting in lines to give our children iodine pills - my older son, Maciek, was not yet three years old at that time, while younger, Pawel, was a three months old baby. We still remember challenges of explaining to children (ours and my sister's) why they cannot play outside. The series is also a great illustrat...

I must have overextended myself during the renovations of my house in Poland in May/June. Shortly after returning to Canada I discovered unpleasantly looking formation in my lower belly. This was associated with a moment of instant fear, and a somewhat shameful feeling, that I am losing control over my own body. Doctor confirmed my suspicions ... hernia! I believe there at least a few theories about how hernia is formed and no one knows it for sure. Back in Poland, in the days of my youth, a popular opinion was that hernia happens when people "carry too much." This could mean things both physical and emotional. Do I carry too much? For start, over the last 12 years, while working for AHS, I was carrying a caseload of per average 80-100 clients at any given time, some of them quite disturbed. This in fact felt heavy at times. I have been carrying my family for almost forty years - houses, cars, student loans, marital and parenting challenges, etc. I also tried to contribut...

It has been 10 days since I have formally retired from my full-time job as psychologist with Alberta Health Services. Retirement, people tell me, is this nice time in human life when you can finally read more and write more, if you so wish. Yet, though starting this blog has been on my mind for a while, I am still scrambling to find time to do it. My days are still filled with "busyness." There are things to be taken care of related to retirement - paper work with pension plan authorities, deciding if to buy a health care plan, etc. Then there are things to do about my house, or cars - projects that have been postponed until retirement, etc. I start everyday with a list of things to do, and this list doesn't seem to get shorter as the days progress. And I don't even mention my wife's list of things for me to do! :-) I don't really feel leisury. I start my days around 5:15 or 5:30 in the morning. Or, should I say, it is my dog, Ged ... who starts my d...