The Wife Factor.

A friendly couple came over for supper last Friday. After having a glass of wine, or two, my male counterpart, Andrew, embarked on a rather risky activity of ... complaining about his wife. As he looked compelled to do it, and to make things somewhat lighter, I jumped in and brought up a few things that irritate me in my wife's functioning. Soon, we had a spontaneous "therapy session" - men teasing women, and vice versa. And this was nothing really serious - about bra being found on the floor, or too many shoes, or snoring, etc. We had plenty of laughs and generally good time. Still, the next morning, my wife was upset with me, claiming I went too far with some comments. (In particular, she took exception in my jokes about people from Sosnowiec, the town she is from, jokes so popular in Upper Silesia Region, where I grew up.) 

The whole experience made me to think - what is the role of my wife in my life, especially now, when we aspire to happy retirement?

I recalled a scene from about a decade ago, when I still attended church, of an older couple renewing their marriage vows. They were both in their nineties and approached the altar with their walkers. They had been together for 65 years! When asked later about his secret for longevity, the man responded without any hesitation -  "a good, supportive wife!"

Popular statistics seem to support this. Women, generally speaking, live longer than men, and married men live longer than unmarried! It looks it is in our, men, best interest to stick to our wives for as long as possible!

Easier said than done. My wife, undoubtedly, brought a lot of joy and happiness to my life. Always loyal, she has been my rock. She makes sure that everything is clean and beautiful around us. However, as my and Andrew's experience suggests, being together is also associated with daily frustrations and irritations. Another friend of mine, Robert, after visiting with his retired parents, reported that they used to argue daily, most often about issues quite trivial. This also could be considered a popular, spontaneous self-therapy, allowing for discharge of tension.  According to Robert, he barely managed to stay with them for 2 weeks. I wouldn't like us to become such a couple, especially that I remember it well from my parents' life. 

In my professional practice, I encountered a couple who divorced the moment they retired. I had a client who remarried in his sixties, only to get divorced two years later. It all shows that it is not an easy skill to stay together!

Of particular challenge seems to be a communication pattern, often deepening in later years, of "dismissing the positives" and "finding negatives in everything." Some folks refer to this communication style as "b...ing." Anecdotal data seems to suggest that this is what many retired people have to deal with, often not finding a proper response. 

When facing "habitual complaining," my lovely wife has exhibited with different intensity over the years, I tried a number of strategies:

1. Ignoring minor irritants.
2. Diffusing tension with humor.
3. Asking my wife for "what she wants." (Complaining typically signals some unmet need - people either don't get what they want, or get something they don't want. Rephrasing a complaint as request makes the communication much more constructive.)
4. Taking time off from each other (e.g., taking separate vacations, going to the mountains by myself)
5. Acts of kindness.
6. Venting frustrations with buddies over a couple of beers. 
7. BEING ASSERTIVE!

I would like to expand on the last point. Periodically, when the above mentioned strategies do not work for whatever reason, I reach a state of real irritation and anger. When it happens, I believe, the best reaction is to express these feelings. When I don't do it, it leads to a prolonged tension that often makes it so hard to be with each other.

The Three-Part Assertive Communication, that I have established over the years, and which I often recommend to my clients, goes, more or less, as follows:

1. I start with something positive - for instance, use words such as "Sweetheart" or "Darling," compliment my wife for something, or in some other way reassure her of my positive regard. 
2. I express my emotion - say things such as "This irritates me/frustrates me/makes me angry/hurts my feelings." I try to be specific about the BEHAVIOR that causes problems for me. 
3. I ask for WHAT I WANT - say, for instance, "Can you, please, stop?" or "Can we discuss it later?" 

In my opinion, only assertive communication like this has a power to diffuse tension quickly, and prevent long-term dissatisfaction and resentments. 

What also helps me at times, is to recall a part of the Gestalt Therapy Prayer:

"I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not to live up to mine!"

In summary, my wife, undoubtedly, by the very nature of being together, has tremendous potential to make my retirement years happy and fulfilling. But she can also make them miserable and lonely. Which way it will go?

And what about you? How do you deal with these problems? Would you have any advice for me? 

(PR)